#3 Poop

Poop is so amazing. I’m sure there are those who would find such appreciations offensive, but hell, I’m Satan, right? I’m supposed to be offensive.

So what is it exactly that I love about poop? Let’s start with its texture. Poop comes in all available textures, from nearly rock hard to completely runny and everywhere in between. This is great for many reasons, but primarily because when it is at its runniest or its hardest it is usually causing its greatest pain in the gut for the human involved. I’ve seen humans doubled over on the toilet, liquid diarrhea squirting from between their cheeks like they are peeing out their butt. I’ve known humans so constipated, their poop stayed in their intestines for days, weeks even, causing them dire gastrointestinal discomfort. I’ve also known such blockages to cause great pain for both parties during sex, something that is supposed to bring humans pleasure. Overall, poop texture makes me quite happy.

On top of this, it can be delightfully smelly, making everyone around shudder at its pervasiveness. It causes humans great angst when dogs roll in it or eat it, or leave it in the yard and for humans to step in. It is even better when a human falls in the dog’s poop and gets it on their hands or face, causing the human to vomit uncontrollably. It can also be fun when human babies spray it all over everything, including the car, leaving a rotten stench that lingers for hours and staining the baby’s clothes a fetid green.

Want to know the best thing? Humans love poop too, but they won’t admit it. Ever hear of that video, Two Girls and a Cup? Well, I cooked that up. The two girls?  They are my minions. I paid them to shit (and vomit!) in that cup and eat it. FANTASTIC!! That video and videos of people watching that video became the most watched videos of the year on the internet. Aren’t I amazing?  I know how to get human panties all in a wad, that’s for sure.

Yes, poop is magnificent. I love it.

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