Archive for the Lord Category

#11 Douches

Posted in Genitals, Lord, Other One, Satan (Me!) with tags , , , , , , , on May 14, 2008 by stuffsatanloves

I love two things I want to discuss today. One is the douche. The Other One called me a douche the other day. That is such a perfect gem of an item, I wanted to concomitantly thank the Other One while simultaneously extolling the virtues of the douche. I would love to be a douche. I would get to explore the insides of vaginas. Of course, I do this already when I act as a penis, but as a douche, I would be operating under a different mechanism. I would be cleaning the vagina, bathing in the delicious mucous and bits of urine, not to mention all the other discharges that flow from that sacred place. I could also cause infections and a bit of harm while the user assumes I am bringing goodness. Wow. I get a charge just imagining it. Thank you, Other One, for calling me what I would like to be! Thank you, Douches, for being such a perfect item and for entering that dark hole the Other One so loathes.

Actually, come to think of it, I love the spot between the scrotum and the penis on a man as much as I love the vagina in a woman. Such a warm, smelly, sweaty place, inviting to fungi and lint! I get all tingly thinking about that spot I so love. It is even better when the man gets a nice jock itch going there and cannot get comfortable, or a spate of herpes to brighten up his day. Delightful. I love it!

#10 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists

Posted in America, Christian, Islam, Lord, Middle East, Other One, Religion, Satan (Me!) with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2008 by stuffsatanloves

Oh for fuck’s sake, the Other One is such a self-righteous windbag. What a blathering fool! He wants to convince the world the HE was responsible for 9/11. Hate to break it to you folks, but the Other One had NOTHING to do with it. I actually masterminded the entire plot! I got my minions, Osama and Bush, to carry out my little plan. Yes, they were in on it together. You might as well know it. Fucking Other One. I suppose he’s doing a little dance that he’s gotten me to admit this.

The thing about it is that the theorists have most of their story right. I LOVE you 9/11 conspiracy theorists! You have given credit where it is due. Yes, the World Trade Center Buildings were wired with explosives. Yes, United 93 was shot down by the military. Yes, Muslim terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into the buildings. And it was all because of ME, ME, ME!!

The part my little darlings have not yet put together is that Osama and Bushie are friends with each other and do my bidding. Now my secret is out. Ah well, it was bound to happen anyway. When my little friend Johnny McCain is elected president of the United States (which I plan to ensure), he is planning to toss Bushie to the wolves as a means of deflecting attention from himself. It will be delightful! I love backstabbing nastiness and intrigue! I can barely contain my excitement thinking about it. My anus is throbbing at the thought.

The Other One knows I am responsible for 9/11. This pisses him off. So he takes credit. Whatever buddy. Get over yourself. I WIN again!

#7 Anal

Posted in Homosexuals, Lord, Other One, Religion, Satan (Me!) with tags , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2008 by stuffsatanloves

You know I’m putting this in here just to piss off the Other One. I LOVE doing that! Hey–I’ll do a post on pissing him off. It will be great. But for now…anal.

First of all, let’s get something straight. The Other One did not invent dicks. I did. He’s always taking credit for everything, but frankly, he’s full of shit. The guy has such a God Complex, it’s ridiculous. The penis was MY idea. We were sitting around trying to figure out what to do with vaginas (because we created woman first, you know). I saw this great hole of an opportunity. The Other One just saw something he wanted to plug up. Hey, I said. Why not make another human and give it an appendage to stick in the hole? It can bring great sinful pleasure AND pain, a two for one deal! The Other One said, I don’t want it to bring pleasure. I want it to cover that hole! I pointed out that by making an appendage, we would be serving both purposes. The Other One mulled it over for a moment then said he’d go for it.

So you see, dicks were my idea. Then while we were working on the physical design, I pointed out that the appendage could go in the back hole as well, the one we had designed for poop expulsion. I figured that if we also put poop holes on the ones with the appendage, they could share. The Other One frowned at me. He wasn’t so keen on the idea. But I convinced him it would all be good so we did it. One other thing? The foreskin? My idea. The Other One convinced a bunch of stupid humans to start cutting it off because he didn’t like it. He’s also the one who invented female genital mutilation because he doesn’t like the vagina hole. I wouldn’t tell him this because I don’t like to contribute to his Complex, but I’m actually impressed with the whole FGM thing. That’s the sort of activity I usually come up with. Of course, humans were involved, so that helped. I’ve managed to corrupt humanity beyond repair. But the original idea of doing away with vagina holes belongs to the Other One. That’s about the only thing he came up with.

The Other One claims he doesn’t mind homosexuals but just hates anal sex. Don’t believe him. He’s lying. The truth is that he really hates homos and anal sex. Get used to it, the Other One is a jackass. It’s as simple as that.

#4 Reality Television

Posted in Lord, Other One, Religion, Satan (Me!) with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2008 by stuffsatanloves

Gotta love it, gotta love it, gotta L-O-V-E it!! I do a little happy dance the more reality television takes over the airwaves contributing to the dumbing down of the planet. I LOVE things dumbed down! Man, there are sure a lot of things for me to get excited about, let me tell you.

You know, back in the day when good ol’ Phil Donny started with talk show questions that got people raising their eyebrows, I rubbed my hands in glee. In fact, I fed his staff some questions, sitting in the background at meetings, helping to ensure the moral decay of all that is decent and polite (have I mentioned I LOVE moral decay?). I’d whisper, Ask people to come on the show who have screwed their spouse’s best friend while the kids watched. The staff would eat that up. Then Jerry came on the scene and every day was my own personal orgasm. Ohhhh, love it! I get little shivers just remembering. Such fun! But you know what? It doesn’t even begin to COMPARE to the meetings I sit in now. I don’t even have to feed the humans ideas, they’re coming up with them all on their own. It is truly amazing!

Honestly, since I’ve managed to make greed and avarice two of the top human foibles, reality television has not been a difficult sell. What? You think greed and avarice are the same thing? Shows how much YOU know. Greed is desperate and pathetic human hunger. Gluttons! Avarice is that ridiculous human need to hoard money and things and to keep it all from other people. So there! What do you humans know anyway? Give me a snotty comment like what is the difference. Whatever. I’ll suck your blood, that’s what I’ll do. I created vampires, you know.

Anyway, when the television people started making a mint on reality television, I was in business. There is no better way to ensure something is going to be wonderful for me than to have it make a profit. Then you add in the pathetic and desperate desire of humans to be famous and voil√†! A match made on earth–reality television! I remember when Survivor took off. Oh Survivor! You are the love of my life! I love you! I want to roll around and fuck you senseless, you fantastic, marvelous, whore of a reality television show. The fighting, the intrigue, the absolute stupidity! You made household names of fucktards. You were sheer human genius, if such a thing is possible. And it only got better.

Nowadays, television viewing is pure pleasure. Reality television has moved all over the globe. Everyone wants to be famous. Everyone wants to be known for doing something stupid. Then when the pitiful human returns to real reality, the comedown can lead to suicide. It’s just so pleasurable for me, you simply cannot imagine. Whoever said the devil can’t feel good? It’s all I feel, baby. Reality television, I love you.

#1 Religious Fundamentalists

Posted in Christian, Islam, Judaism, Lord, Other One, Religion, Satan (Me!) with tags , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2008 by stuffsatanloves

I love you! I love you! I love you! You are by far my favorite thing on the entire planet. No one compares to you. Because of you, I enjoy more destruction and mayhem than I could ever muster on my own and you do it thinking it is for the Other One when really it’s all for ME! You all want the Other One and think your conception of the Other One is right so you kill each other off, destroy nations, and rape and pillage the planet all in the name of the Other One. It is a grand and mighty thing to behold! I love it! Most humans believe the creator of the universe wrote a bunch of books telling them all about himself. Each set of human believes that the book they follow is the correct book.

Only here’s my dirty little secret. I wrote the books! I did it! Me! See, here’s what I did. I wrote these books. In each of the books, I made up a story about the creation of the universe. I then told the humans that they had to believe the book or the creator of the universe (the Other One) would strike them down and kill them. I also told them that if they believed any of the other books purporting to be written by the creator of the universe, then I would strike them down and kill them. Then I said that if they know anyone who believes the other books, they should strike them down and kill those people, even their own children, otherwise the creator would go all postal on their ass. It’s GREAT! I created this big, stinking, selfish mess whereby humans kill other humans for failure to believe in the same book! I also used the stories the Other One cooked up about how I was born (lame as they are) to throw everyone off my tracks.¬† Pretty damn frickin’ clever, don’t you think? I think so. In fact, I know it.

Religious fundamentalists are AWESOME! I love it when they get their panties all in a wad about whether women should wear pants or cover their heads in black. It is so much fun to watch them stone some chick because she showed her hair. Oh, oh, and even better? Religious fundamentalists who kill doctors for performing abortions! FANTASTIC!! The thing isn’t even a baby yet (I certainly can’t get to it when it’s all in the womb and microscopic and shit), and these people kill a doctor for taking it out. It’s great.

Actually, abortion, now there is something about which the Christian fundamentalists and I can agree. I HATE it! When someone has an abortion, it keeps me from being able to torture that human with starvation and misery once it is born. It’s a real pain, you know? I love it when abortion doctors get shot because not only is one more human murdered, the doctor’s family is left in misery and another baby gets born that I can torture. It’s the best.

I’m really excited that fundamentalists are going to extremes again. I haven’t had this much fun since the inquisition. For a while I was getting a little buzz off priests and small children, but lately that’s been on the down low too. And I am also absolutely grateful to the American government for keeping things stirred up in the middle east. Without them and their decades of interference, Islamist fundamentalism might not be on the rise and I would not get to see the destruction their behavior has wrought. I get all crinkly inside thinking about it!

Fundamentalists, you bring me true pleasure. Much more than you bring the Other One. He gets all distressed and shit that you fight with each other. He knows I wrote the books and doesn’t have any way to get that message out to you all. It’s a grand thing. Keep fighting the good fight. You do it for me and I love you for it.