I am the LORD!

And not just of the Underworld. That Other One thinks he’s the Lord. He’s got half the planet running around like a bunch of little fools chasing him in fourteen different varieties. I’m one size fits all and I’m all over the place.

In case you didn’t know, a long time ago I was born to a real fucker. He wasn’t exactly a loving father; he stuck my brother and I in his belly, ensuring we got no cuddles and loves from our mother. Yeah so my brother grew up to be a periodic rageaholic and mindless sex addict. I’m me. Our other brother didn’t get it quite as bad since he didn’t have to live in that slime-filled, stomach-acid cesspool, but he did develop a bit of a power trip. Anyway, we all decided our father needed his ass kicked. We booted him out of power and drew lots to see which of us would get to rule where. I won the Underworld. After a time I decided I wanted to rule everywhere, so I just gradually took over. It wasn’t difficult, what with the stupidity of humans and that Other One acting all cocky and shit.

So I’m sure many of you have read the story of me in the Bible. That’s a load of crap. The Other One cooked that up to set people against me, said he made me beautiful and gave me power and I perverted it and all that, yada yada yada. Again, a load of crap. The other load of crap story is the one in the Qur’an where I was all disobedient and shit to Adam to prove my homage to the Other One. Yeah, right. Like I’m supposed to kiss ass to a human so the Other One can feel all powerful. Whatever. The Other One has a bit of a God complex and likes to pretend he was the one in charge all along. He’s even got humans thinking he created me. Uh no. He didn’t.

So yeah, I know that calling myself Satan somehow gives some credence to those fools who worship the Other One. It doesn’t. I’ve been called lots of things. It matters not. I chose Satan here because it’s a pretty common conception; no one will question who I am if I call myself Satan. Actually, I’m the LORD and it would be nice if everyone would just get used to that fact, but I’m finding I have a lot more power with all the stupid humans thinking the Other One is in charge. What the hell do they know anyway? They’re just humans. I’ve managed to get them all fighting with each other and blowing up buildings and shit, so hey, who cares if they know I’m in charge, right?

So I’m going to write all about the things I love. YES, there are things I love. Believe it or not, there are many things that bring me great pleasure. The Other One is writing about the things he hates. Ironic, isn’t it, since he’s supposed to be the one of Love and all that shit and I’m supposed to be all about evil. Yet here he is, writing about all the stuff he hates and I’m writing about all the stuff I love. If you hate me and want to tell me how the Other One is going to get me, bring it on! I love that shit. Maybe we can create one giant quagmire of love here. If you want to agree with me, fine. Go for it. But don’t think I’m going to be all buddy buddy with your ass or anything. I don’t work that way. Unlike the Other One, I’m willing to admit I’m a selfish bastard and I like being in charge, even in an underhanded way.

If you want to contact me, feel free to email me Satan_Underworld@yahoo.com.

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