#4 Reality Television

Posted in Lord, Other One, Religion, Satan (Me!) with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2008 by stuffsatanloves

Gotta love it, gotta love it, gotta L-O-V-E it!! I do a little happy dance the more reality television takes over the airwaves contributing to the dumbing down of the planet. I LOVE things dumbed down! Man, there are sure a lot of things for me to get excited about, let me tell you.

You know, back in the day when good ol’ Phil Donny started with talk show questions that got people raising their eyebrows, I rubbed my hands in glee. In fact, I fed his staff some questions, sitting in the background at meetings, helping to ensure the moral decay of all that is decent and polite (have I mentioned I LOVE moral decay?). I’d whisper, Ask people to come on the show who have screwed their spouse’s best friend while the kids watched. The staff would eat that up. Then Jerry came on the scene and every day was my own personal orgasm. Ohhhh, love it! I get little shivers just remembering. Such fun! But you know what? It doesn’t even begin to COMPARE to the meetings I sit in now. I don’t even have to feed the humans ideas, they’re coming up with them all on their own. It is truly amazing!

Honestly, since I’ve managed to make greed and avarice two of the top human foibles, reality television has not been a difficult sell. What? You think greed and avarice are the same thing? Shows how much YOU know. Greed is desperate and pathetic human hunger. Gluttons! Avarice is that ridiculous human need to hoard money and things and to keep it all from other people. So there! What do you humans know anyway? Give me a snotty comment like what is the difference. Whatever. I’ll suck your blood, that’s what I’ll do. I created vampires, you know.

Anyway, when the television people started making a mint on reality television, I was in business. There is no better way to ensure something is going to be wonderful for me than to have it make a profit. Then you add in the pathetic and desperate desire of humans to be famous and voilà! A match made on earth–reality television! I remember when Survivor took off. Oh Survivor! You are the love of my life! I love you! I want to roll around and fuck you senseless, you fantastic, marvelous, whore of a reality television show. The fighting, the intrigue, the absolute stupidity! You made household names of fucktards. You were sheer human genius, if such a thing is possible. And it only got better.

Nowadays, television viewing is pure pleasure. Reality television has moved all over the globe. Everyone wants to be famous. Everyone wants to be known for doing something stupid. Then when the pitiful human returns to real reality, the comedown can lead to suicide. It’s just so pleasurable for me, you simply cannot imagine. Whoever said the devil can’t feel good? It’s all I feel, baby. Reality television, I love you.

#3 Poop

Posted in Religion, Satan (Me!) with tags , , on April 26, 2008 by stuffsatanloves

Poop is so amazing. I’m sure there are those who would find such appreciations offensive, but hell, I’m Satan, right? I’m supposed to be offensive.

So what is it exactly that I love about poop? Let’s start with its texture. Poop comes in all available textures, from nearly rock hard to completely runny and everywhere in between. This is great for many reasons, but primarily because when it is at its runniest or its hardest it is usually causing its greatest pain in the gut for the human involved. I’ve seen humans doubled over on the toilet, liquid diarrhea squirting from between their cheeks like they are peeing out their butt. I’ve known humans so constipated, their poop stayed in their intestines for days, weeks even, causing them dire gastrointestinal discomfort. I’ve also known such blockages to cause great pain for both parties during sex, something that is supposed to bring humans pleasure. Overall, poop texture makes me quite happy.

On top of this, it can be delightfully smelly, making everyone around shudder at its pervasiveness. It causes humans great angst when dogs roll in it or eat it, or leave it in the yard and for humans to step in. It is even better when a human falls in the dog’s poop and gets it on their hands or face, causing the human to vomit uncontrollably. It can also be fun when human babies spray it all over everything, including the car, leaving a rotten stench that lingers for hours and staining the baby’s clothes a fetid green.

Want to know the best thing? Humans love poop too, but they won’t admit it. Ever hear of that video, Two Girls and a Cup? Well, I cooked that up. The two girls?  They are my minions. I paid them to shit (and vomit!) in that cup and eat it. FANTASTIC!! That video and videos of people watching that video became the most watched videos of the year on the internet. Aren’t I amazing?  I know how to get human panties all in a wad, that’s for sure.

Yes, poop is magnificent. I love it.

#2 Self Evident Loves

Posted in Other One, Religion, Satan (Me!) with tags , , , on April 25, 2008 by stuffsatanloves

These are things I love that need no further explanation. You should love them too.

Walmart
Christian rock
Sean Hannity
Bond chicks
Land mines
Dr. Laura Schlesinger
Swanson pot pies
Telemarketers
End tables
Cults
Lawyers
Insurance companies
Hilary Clinton’s hair
Peanut butter
Colorectal cancer
Wood paneling
Money
John Wayne movies

#1 Religious Fundamentalists

Posted in Christian, Islam, Judaism, Lord, Other One, Religion, Satan (Me!) with tags , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2008 by stuffsatanloves

I love you! I love you! I love you! You are by far my favorite thing on the entire planet. No one compares to you. Because of you, I enjoy more destruction and mayhem than I could ever muster on my own and you do it thinking it is for the Other One when really it’s all for ME! You all want the Other One and think your conception of the Other One is right so you kill each other off, destroy nations, and rape and pillage the planet all in the name of the Other One. It is a grand and mighty thing to behold! I love it! Most humans believe the creator of the universe wrote a bunch of books telling them all about himself. Each set of human believes that the book they follow is the correct book.

Only here’s my dirty little secret. I wrote the books! I did it! Me! See, here’s what I did. I wrote these books. In each of the books, I made up a story about the creation of the universe. I then told the humans that they had to believe the book or the creator of the universe (the Other One) would strike them down and kill them. I also told them that if they believed any of the other books purporting to be written by the creator of the universe, then I would strike them down and kill them. Then I said that if they know anyone who believes the other books, they should strike them down and kill those people, even their own children, otherwise the creator would go all postal on their ass. It’s GREAT! I created this big, stinking, selfish mess whereby humans kill other humans for failure to believe in the same book! I also used the stories the Other One cooked up about how I was born (lame as they are) to throw everyone off my tracks.  Pretty damn frickin’ clever, don’t you think? I think so. In fact, I know it.

Religious fundamentalists are AWESOME! I love it when they get their panties all in a wad about whether women should wear pants or cover their heads in black. It is so much fun to watch them stone some chick because she showed her hair. Oh, oh, and even better? Religious fundamentalists who kill doctors for performing abortions! FANTASTIC!! The thing isn’t even a baby yet (I certainly can’t get to it when it’s all in the womb and microscopic and shit), and these people kill a doctor for taking it out. It’s great.

Actually, abortion, now there is something about which the Christian fundamentalists and I can agree. I HATE it! When someone has an abortion, it keeps me from being able to torture that human with starvation and misery once it is born. It’s a real pain, you know? I love it when abortion doctors get shot because not only is one more human murdered, the doctor’s family is left in misery and another baby gets born that I can torture. It’s the best.

I’m really excited that fundamentalists are going to extremes again. I haven’t had this much fun since the inquisition. For a while I was getting a little buzz off priests and small children, but lately that’s been on the down low too. And I am also absolutely grateful to the American government for keeping things stirred up in the middle east. Without them and their decades of interference, Islamist fundamentalism might not be on the rise and I would not get to see the destruction their behavior has wrought. I get all crinkly inside thinking about it!

Fundamentalists, you bring me true pleasure. Much more than you bring the Other One. He gets all distressed and shit that you fight with each other. He knows I wrote the books and doesn’t have any way to get that message out to you all. It’s a grand thing. Keep fighting the good fight. You do it for me and I love you for it.