#1 Religious Fundamentalists

I love you! I love you! I love you! You are by far my favorite thing on the entire planet. No one compares to you. Because of you, I enjoy more destruction and mayhem than I could ever muster on my own and you do it thinking it is for the Other One when really it’s all for ME! You all want the Other One and think your conception of the Other One is right so you kill each other off, destroy nations, and rape and pillage the planet all in the name of the Other One. It is a grand and mighty thing to behold! I love it! Most humans believe the creator of the universe wrote a bunch of books telling them all about himself. Each set of human believes that the book they follow is the correct book.

Only here’s my dirty little secret. I wrote the books! I did it! Me! See, here’s what I did. I wrote these books. In each of the books, I made up a story about the creation of the universe. I then told the humans that they had to believe the book or the creator of the universe (the Other One) would strike them down and kill them. I also told them that if they believed any of the other books purporting to be written by the creator of the universe, then I would strike them down and kill them. Then I said that if they know anyone who believes the other books, they should strike them down and kill those people, even their own children, otherwise the creator would go all postal on their ass. It’s GREAT! I created this big, stinking, selfish mess whereby humans kill other humans for failure to believe in the same book! I also used the stories the Other One cooked up about how I was born (lame as they are) to throw everyone off my tracks.  Pretty damn frickin’ clever, don’t you think? I think so. In fact, I know it.

Religious fundamentalists are AWESOME! I love it when they get their panties all in a wad about whether women should wear pants or cover their heads in black. It is so much fun to watch them stone some chick because she showed her hair. Oh, oh, and even better? Religious fundamentalists who kill doctors for performing abortions! FANTASTIC!! The thing isn’t even a baby yet (I certainly can’t get to it when it’s all in the womb and microscopic and shit), and these people kill a doctor for taking it out. It’s great.

Actually, abortion, now there is something about which the Christian fundamentalists and I can agree. I HATE it! When someone has an abortion, it keeps me from being able to torture that human with starvation and misery once it is born. It’s a real pain, you know? I love it when abortion doctors get shot because not only is one more human murdered, the doctor’s family is left in misery and another baby gets born that I can torture. It’s the best.

I’m really excited that fundamentalists are going to extremes again. I haven’t had this much fun since the inquisition. For a while I was getting a little buzz off priests and small children, but lately that’s been on the down low too. And I am also absolutely grateful to the American government for keeping things stirred up in the middle east. Without them and their decades of interference, Islamist fundamentalism might not be on the rise and I would not get to see the destruction their behavior has wrought. I get all crinkly inside thinking about it!

Fundamentalists, you bring me true pleasure. Much more than you bring the Other One. He gets all distressed and shit that you fight with each other. He knows I wrote the books and doesn’t have any way to get that message out to you all. It’s a grand thing. Keep fighting the good fight. You do it for me and I love you for it.