#11 Douches

I love two things I want to discuss today. One is the douche. The Other One called me a douche the other day. That is such a perfect gem of an item, I wanted to concomitantly thank the Other One while simultaneously extolling the virtues of the douche. I would love to be a douche. I would get to explore the insides of vaginas. Of course, I do this already when I act as a penis, but as a douche, I would be operating under a different mechanism. I would be cleaning the vagina, bathing in the delicious mucous and bits of urine, not to mention all the other discharges that flow from that sacred place. I could also cause infections and a bit of harm while the user assumes I am bringing goodness. Wow. I get a charge just imagining it. Thank you, Other One, for calling me what I would like to be! Thank you, Douches, for being such a perfect item and for entering that dark hole the Other One so loathes.

Actually, come to think of it, I love the spot between the scrotum and the penis on a man as much as I love the vagina in a woman. Such a warm, smelly, sweaty place, inviting to fungi and lint! I get all tingly thinking about that spot I so love. It is even better when the man gets a nice jock itch going there and cannot get comfortable, or a spate of herpes to brighten up his day. Delightful. I love it!

#10 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists

Oh for fuck’s sake, the Other One is such a self-righteous windbag. What a blathering fool! He wants to convince the world the HE was responsible for 9/11. Hate to break it to you folks, but the Other One had NOTHING to do with it. I actually masterminded the entire plot! I got my minions, Osama and Bush, to carry out my little plan. Yes, they were in on it together. You might as well know it. Fucking Other One. I suppose he’s doing a little dance that he’s gotten me to admit this.

The thing about it is that the theorists have most of their story right. I LOVE you 9/11 conspiracy theorists! You have given credit where it is due. Yes, the World Trade Center Buildings were wired with explosives. Yes, United 93 was shot down by the military. Yes, Muslim terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into the buildings. And it was all because of ME, ME, ME!!

The part my little darlings have not yet put together is that Osama and Bushie are friends with each other and do my bidding. Now my secret is out. Ah well, it was bound to happen anyway. When my little friend Johnny McCain is elected president of the United States (which I plan to ensure), he is planning to toss Bushie to the wolves as a means of deflecting attention from himself. It will be delightful! I love backstabbing nastiness and intrigue! I can barely contain my excitement thinking about it. My anus is throbbing at the thought.

The Other One knows I am responsible for 9/11. This pisses him off. So he takes credit. Whatever buddy. Get over yourself. I WIN again!

#9 Oregon Ducks

I LOVE the University of Oregon and those Ducks! They are easily the best university, the best football team, the best basketball team, the best track team, hell, the best everything university! I know there are those out there who like the other Oregon team, but like the Other One, they are all just a bunch of pussies! Beavers….right. Anyone know the connection between pussies and beavers? I know I do because I invented both pussies and beavers as well as the connection!

The Ducks beat the Beavers in so many ways. They are better at academics. They are located in a better city. Their football team kicks the Beaver team’s ass. They have a better stadium and get more money from my friends (my friends have a LOT of money!). Their colors are so much better. You would think I would like the Beaver colors because they use black and orange and those are Halloween colors. I have actually never favored those colors for Halloween–MY holiday, you know. Yellow and green seem so springlike and kind of the anti-Satan. Little does anyone know these colors are the color of the devil. I use them to mask the true power. Ever notice how everyone gets all sneezy and allergic during the spring? That would be from the YELLOW pollen from the GREEN plants. My doing. Yep. Ever notice the colors of snot running down your face when you have a particularly hideous viral strain? My doing. Yep again. I win. So while it seems like I would love the black and orange combo of the Beavers, I don’t. They suck. I know the Other One probably likes the other team, but the Other One is an idiot. We all know that. The Ducks rule. That’s all there is to it.

#8 Taxidermy

I love taxidermy.  Dead bodies sitting around on shelves, what a peachy idea!  Hunt and kill animals then stuff them to look real.  FANTASTIC!  It’s even better when I think about a human sucking out the animal’s guts after killing it, then stuffing it.  My other love related to taxidermy?  Trophy hunters!!  There is nothing quite like naked human insecurity posing as strength by proving an ability to kill something that can’t fight back.  How awesome is that?  I also love it that most of the time, except with deer heads, the humans don’t eat the victim whose corpse is hanging on the wall.  Brilliant!

#7 Anal

You know I’m putting this in here just to piss off the Other One. I LOVE doing that! Hey–I’ll do a post on pissing him off. It will be great. But for now…anal.

First of all, let’s get something straight. The Other One did not invent dicks. I did. He’s always taking credit for everything, but frankly, he’s full of shit. The guy has such a God Complex, it’s ridiculous. The penis was MY idea. We were sitting around trying to figure out what to do with vaginas (because we created woman first, you know). I saw this great hole of an opportunity. The Other One just saw something he wanted to plug up. Hey, I said. Why not make another human and give it an appendage to stick in the hole? It can bring great sinful pleasure AND pain, a two for one deal! The Other One said, I don’t want it to bring pleasure. I want it to cover that hole! I pointed out that by making an appendage, we would be serving both purposes. The Other One mulled it over for a moment then said he’d go for it.

So you see, dicks were my idea. Then while we were working on the physical design, I pointed out that the appendage could go in the back hole as well, the one we had designed for poop expulsion. I figured that if we also put poop holes on the ones with the appendage, they could share. The Other One frowned at me. He wasn’t so keen on the idea. But I convinced him it would all be good so we did it. One other thing? The foreskin? My idea. The Other One convinced a bunch of stupid humans to start cutting it off because he didn’t like it. He’s also the one who invented female genital mutilation because he doesn’t like the vagina hole. I wouldn’t tell him this because I don’t like to contribute to his Complex, but I’m actually impressed with the whole FGM thing. That’s the sort of activity I usually come up with. Of course, humans were involved, so that helped. I’ve managed to corrupt humanity beyond repair. But the original idea of doing away with vagina holes belongs to the Other One. That’s about the only thing he came up with.

The Other One claims he doesn’t mind homosexuals but just hates anal sex. Don’t believe him. He’s lying. The truth is that he really hates homos and anal sex. Get used to it, the Other One is a jackass. It’s as simple as that.

#6 More Self-Evident Loves

I kept adding to that other list, but it was getting too long. So I decided to write another self-evident list. These are things I love that need no further explanation. I think anyone can tell why I love this stuff. If you can’t tell without explanation, you are probably too stupid to read and should go back to your cave.

Yard gnomes
Lumber companies
Andrew Lloyd Webber
Cults in Texas
Kenny G
Paper cuts
False teeth
Cavities
Tsunamis
Bad breath
Herpes
American Idol
Farts
Piano players
Cattle cannibalism
Rattlesnakes
Olestra
Bill Gates
Celery
Dead batteries
Traffic
Yapping dogs
Anal warts
Touchdown prayers

#5 Heartwarming

I love heartwarming. Whenever the word heartwarming is used to describe a movie, it is because someone in the story is going to die, and this after viewers have gotten all cozy with the victim. Hapless fools, interested in homespun entertainment, family values, and true love ever after, buzz merrily into the web of heartwarming.  What is even better is that pastors and whatnot at churches that allow their parisioners to see movies will often encourage them to go and see the heartwarming movies because of their good, family values (killing off the young and helpless is a favorite family value).

To give you a taste of the love, I have created for you a list of my all time favorite heartwarming movies:

Bambi: Killing off the mother, then having a forest fire, all after watching the baby deer frolic in the forest with his wittle friends? Heartwarming.

Old Yeller: Let’s begin with a big, ol’ dog running through the fields, playing with his boy, being just a good dog. Then, not only do they kill off the dog, but they make the boy who raised him from puppyhood, and trained him and adored him shoot him in the head. Can you get more heartwarming than that?

Steel Magnolias: Awwwww. It’s so sad. She has diabetes and cries when her sugar gets low, she bonds with all the quirky ladies who help keep each other strong, and she begs Momma to let her keep her baby without any fuss. Then she dies while Momma watches. It’s so good. It’s so heartwarming. I love it.

A River Runs Through It: The best part about killing off the main character in this movie is that all the women in the audience are all in love with his hot body first. Not only do we get depressed and maudlin, we get a whole bunch of lust too. Heartwarming fun at it’s best. Two thumbs up!

Bridge to Terabithia: I love it that when they kill off the kid in this movie, no one sees it coming, least of all the friend who is acting all selfish going off to do his own thing with the girl he wants for himself. Fantastic and heartwarming!

Charlotte’s Web: Like Old Yeller, this is a standby heartwarming film. See the wittle piggy escape an early death at the hands of the big man?  See the wittle piggy frolic with his girl?  See the wittle piggy grow up and escape the butcher? See the wittle piggy learn to live without fear all because of his good friend the spider? See the spider DIE?!? Priceless heartwarming fare.

Finding Neverland: The amazing thing about this movie is how the producers sucked everyone into going to see it by telling them how it was about the person who wrote Peter Pan. Come see it! See the fairies! See the orphans find love and acceptance! See everyone frolic (there is a lot of frolicking in heartwarming movies, isn’t there?)! See the love of his life die before his eyes! Heartwarming!!

#4 Reality Television

Gotta love it, gotta love it, gotta L-O-V-E it!! I do a little happy dance the more reality television takes over the airwaves contributing to the dumbing down of the planet. I LOVE things dumbed down! Man, there are sure a lot of things for me to get excited about, let me tell you.

You know, back in the day when good ol’ Phil Donny started with talk show questions that got people raising their eyebrows, I rubbed my hands in glee. In fact, I fed his staff some questions, sitting in the background at meetings, helping to ensure the moral decay of all that is decent and polite (have I mentioned I LOVE moral decay?). I’d whisper, Ask people to come on the show who have screwed their spouse’s best friend while the kids watched. The staff would eat that up. Then Jerry came on the scene and every day was my own personal orgasm. Ohhhh, love it! I get little shivers just remembering. Such fun! But you know what? It doesn’t even begin to COMPARE to the meetings I sit in now. I don’t even have to feed the humans ideas, they’re coming up with them all on their own. It is truly amazing!

Honestly, since I’ve managed to make greed and avarice two of the top human foibles, reality television has not been a difficult sell. What? You think greed and avarice are the same thing? Shows how much YOU know. Greed is desperate and pathetic human hunger. Gluttons! Avarice is that ridiculous human need to hoard money and things and to keep it all from other people. So there! What do you humans know anyway? Give me a snotty comment like what is the difference. Whatever. I’ll suck your blood, that’s what I’ll do. I created vampires, you know.

Anyway, when the television people started making a mint on reality television, I was in business. There is no better way to ensure something is going to be wonderful for me than to have it make a profit. Then you add in the pathetic and desperate desire of humans to be famous and voilà! A match made on earth–reality television! I remember when Survivor took off. Oh Survivor! You are the love of my life! I love you! I want to roll around and fuck you senseless, you fantastic, marvelous, whore of a reality television show. The fighting, the intrigue, the absolute stupidity! You made household names of fucktards. You were sheer human genius, if such a thing is possible. And it only got better.

Nowadays, television viewing is pure pleasure. Reality television has moved all over the globe. Everyone wants to be famous. Everyone wants to be known for doing something stupid. Then when the pitiful human returns to real reality, the comedown can lead to suicide. It’s just so pleasurable for me, you simply cannot imagine. Whoever said the devil can’t feel good? It’s all I feel, baby. Reality television, I love you.

#3 Poop

Poop is so amazing. I’m sure there are those who would find such appreciations offensive, but hell, I’m Satan, right? I’m supposed to be offensive.

So what is it exactly that I love about poop? Let’s start with its texture. Poop comes in all available textures, from nearly rock hard to completely runny and everywhere in between. This is great for many reasons, but primarily because when it is at its runniest or its hardest it is usually causing its greatest pain in the gut for the human involved. I’ve seen humans doubled over on the toilet, liquid diarrhea squirting from between their cheeks like they are peeing out their butt. I’ve known humans so constipated, their poop stayed in their intestines for days, weeks even, causing them dire gastrointestinal discomfort. I’ve also known such blockages to cause great pain for both parties during sex, something that is supposed to bring humans pleasure. Overall, poop texture makes me quite happy.

On top of this, it can be delightfully smelly, making everyone around shudder at its pervasiveness. It causes humans great angst when dogs roll in it or eat it, or leave it in the yard and for humans to step in. It is even better when a human falls in the dog’s poop and gets it on their hands or face, causing the human to vomit uncontrollably. It can also be fun when human babies spray it all over everything, including the car, leaving a rotten stench that lingers for hours and staining the baby’s clothes a fetid green.

Want to know the best thing? Humans love poop too, but they won’t admit it. Ever hear of that video, Two Girls and a Cup? Well, I cooked that up. The two girls?  They are my minions. I paid them to shit (and vomit!) in that cup and eat it. FANTASTIC!! That video and videos of people watching that video became the most watched videos of the year on the internet. Aren’t I amazing?  I know how to get human panties all in a wad, that’s for sure.

Yes, poop is magnificent. I love it.

#2 Self Evident Loves

These are things I love that need no further explanation. You should love them too.

Walmart
Christian rock
Sean Hannity
Bond chicks
Land mines
Dr. Laura Schlesinger
Swanson pot pies
Telemarketers
End tables
Cults
Lawyers
Insurance companies
Hilary Clinton’s hair
Peanut butter
Colorectal cancer
Wood paneling
Money
John Wayne movies