#4 Reality Television

Gotta love it, gotta love it, gotta L-O-V-E it!! I do a little happy dance the more reality television takes over the airwaves contributing to the dumbing down of the planet. I LOVE things dumbed down! Man, there are sure a lot of things for me to get excited about, let me tell you.

You know, back in the day when good ol’ Phil Donny started with talk show questions that got people raising their eyebrows, I rubbed my hands in glee. In fact, I fed his staff some questions, sitting in the background at meetings, helping to ensure the moral decay of all that is decent and polite (have I mentioned I LOVE moral decay?). I’d whisper, Ask people to come on the show who have screwed their spouse’s best friend while the kids watched. The staff would eat that up. Then Jerry came on the scene and every day was my own personal orgasm. Ohhhh, love it! I get little shivers just remembering. Such fun! But you know what? It doesn’t even begin to COMPARE to the meetings I sit in now. I don’t even have to feed the humans ideas, they’re coming up with them all on their own. It is truly amazing!

Honestly, since I’ve managed to make greed and avarice two of the top human foibles, reality television has not been a difficult sell. What? You think greed and avarice are the same thing? Shows how much YOU know. Greed is desperate and pathetic human hunger. Gluttons! Avarice is that ridiculous human need to hoard money and things and to keep it all from other people. So there! What do you humans know anyway? Give me a snotty comment like what is the difference. Whatever. I’ll suck your blood, that’s what I’ll do. I created vampires, you know.

Anyway, when the television people started making a mint on reality television, I was in business. There is no better way to ensure something is going to be wonderful for me than to have it make a profit. Then you add in the pathetic and desperate desire of humans to be famous and voilà! A match made on earth–reality television! I remember when Survivor took off. Oh Survivor! You are the love of my life! I love you! I want to roll around and fuck you senseless, you fantastic, marvelous, whore of a reality television show. The fighting, the intrigue, the absolute stupidity! You made household names of fucktards. You were sheer human genius, if such a thing is possible. And it only got better.

Nowadays, television viewing is pure pleasure. Reality television has moved all over the globe. Everyone wants to be famous. Everyone wants to be known for doing something stupid. Then when the pitiful human returns to real reality, the comedown can lead to suicide. It’s just so pleasurable for me, you simply cannot imagine. Whoever said the devil can’t feel good? It’s all I feel, baby. Reality television, I love you.